The Quandary

If I do I’m a coward,

If I do I’m brave,

If I do I’ll be showered,

With love or hate,

To the grave.

Danny Todd, February 2011 

Hope...the first song I wrote after dabbling with poetry for years. It was written on one of my better days after a 12 month bout of extreme depression :-)

Dark to light his dark mood lifting,

Wrong becomes right his perceptions shifting,

There are shades of grey, not just black and white,

Carpe Diem, Be gone the night,

A long hard struggle with no easy solution,

He’s got to search within for absolution.

The light at the end of the tunnel, grows closer with each day,

But you’ve gotta reach out to grasp it, don’t let it fade away,

There are friends out there who really care and you know exactly who I mean,

The ones you shun, replaced by a gun or your prescription sertraline.

Dawn rises and he’s another step nearer,

Can’t stop trying he knows that the fear of,

Failure in another life, cost him his house, his kids, his wife,

He’s got to build on what life’s thrown at him,

He’s not afraid of dying but so afraid to give in.

The light at the end of the tunnel, grows closer with each day,

But you’ve gotta reach out to grasp it, don’t let it fade away,

There are friends out there who really care and you know exactly who I mean,

The ones you shun, replaced by a gun or your prescription sertraline.

Another month later things getting better,

Maybe time to sit down and write them a letter,

But as the pen meets paper the tears start flowing,

Remembers the last time when he knew he was going,

To end it all, his only goal, his death snatched cruelly by the toilet bowl.

The light at the end of the tunnel, grows closer with each day,

But you’ve gotta reach out to grasp it, don’t let it fade away,

There are friends out there who really care and you know exactly who I mean,

The ones you shun, replaced by a gun or your prescription sertraline.

Not as strong as he thought but he knows he’ll retain it,

That inner resolve, there’s no way to explain it,

His outlook changed upon his life, he still has his kids only lost the wife,

Finally realised he was a pain in her ass and things don’t look better through the bottom of glass.

The light at the end of the tunnel, grows closer with each day,

But you’ve gotta reach out to grasp it, don’t let it fade away,

There are friends out there who really care and you know exactly who I mean,

The ones you shun, replaced by a gun or your prescription sertraline.

(Spoken)

He’ll just have to keep trying, he knows he has to,

Gotta look to himself and at his past to,

Find out when to give in and when to fight,

To realise he wasn’t always right,

Maybe one day he’ll write that letter,

When things get easier, a little better,

But in the meantime he’ll just carry on,

And if all else fails there’s always the Gun.

Well that's a bit of a bugger..maybe I'm not quite as well as I thought? Certainly much stronger but still that old paranoid self flagellation gets me! I've not got a title for this poem but after the self flagellation reference I think that I shall refer to it as my Opus Dei :-) Untitled or not it's helped me formulate my thoughts into some semblance of rationality. Insomnia positively used! That's a plus to take out of my nights experience. She may even be proud of me.

Not good enough, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough,

The train of thoughts running through my mind,

Not worthy, not worthy, not worthy, not worthy,

A part of me I thought I’d left behind.

She doesn’t want you, want you, want you, want you,

The train goes on, teeth start to grind,

She didn’t call you, call you, call you, call you,

A heart thrown back that she’s declined,

She doesn’t need you, need you, need you, need you,

How could I have been so fucking blind?

But do you believe it, believe it, believe it, believe it?

Enough to just throw away what you’ve enshrined?

No, I’m going to fight it, fight it, fight it, fight it,

To the past these thoughts will be confined.

They Say.....A poem dedicated to a girl I knew who taught me far more than I care to know about selfish, self centred behaviour. The juxtaposition being that she was one of the warmest, loving, most considerate people I have ever encountered too. I know that deep down inside this girl was the latter but the protective barrier that she erected portrayed her as the former….whichever she was doesn’t matter now because I almost loved her but I couldn’t allow myself to be hurt by her. So either way I lost? How was that fair?

They say

Better to have loved and lost,

Than have never loved at all,

Better to have tried and lost,

Than never dare kick the ball,

One day as a hero,

Beats a lifetime of not caring,

Selfish, rudeness, ignorance

Traits put in their place by sharing,

Treat others as you would yourself,

It leads to happiness and health.

Well “They” I’ve got some fucking bad news for you..it’s complete and utter bollocks. I’ve lived my life believing that the good guy will win in the end but it’s just not true. I’m changing fucking sides to see how everyone else thinks!!

I say

Best to never love at all,

It only leads to pain,

Why try? Then lose? I don’t see the point,

It’s just work without the gain,

Why try to be a hero?

You only end up dead,

As for caring selflessness?

I’ll take ignorance instead,

Treat everyone as they do me,

On life my new philosophy.

Panic Attack.....Sorry but I've had to repost this poem. I can't edit the other one and it won't accept comments either?

This is for any sufferers out there to let you know that I understand what you're going through, It is also for people who've never had a panic attack in their lives. You are lucky! but if you feel anything after reading this poem then all you have to do is multiply that feeling 1000 fold and you still won't have a clue how bad they are but you may have a little more insight and understanding...I hope so, anyway here goes :

Panic Attack

It starts with confusion, gives way to panic,

Breathless disorder, then full on manic,

No escape, of that no doubt,

Hits like a sledgehammer,

He needs to get out, in the open, anywhere, just away from here,

Give him a chance to confront his fears.

Blank faces, staring, are they looking at him?

Do they even notice the tempest within?

His mind, so confusing, the sheer desperation, fights to hold onto controlled respiration.

Thoughts bombarding, no time to make sense, mind overloading,

Life seen through a lens, distorted vision, concave now convex,

Animal instincts, his muscles flex,

Fight, flight, whatever it takes, no rational thought in decisions he makes,

Strangled cacophony, voices mingle, jack hammer thunderous, body tingles,

With shocking power, careful not to touch the souls he sees, that he wants so much..............To be like.

Danny Todd, 8^th October 2011

Transformation. That felt good to write :-)

I’m not sure how to say this?  And I don’t know how or why,

But something’s happened inside me, so I thought I’d have a try,

At explaining the feelings inside me, the ones that make me happy

The ones that make me laugh and smile, not like that other Chappie,

That I once was (not long ago), he’s gone but not forgot,

Tried to take my life away, He very nearly got the lot!

But tough shit he failed, I had that fight and won,

But for all of my happy feelings, I’m still not quite sure what I’ve become?

I’m all positives, no negatives so I’m definitely not a battery,

My self-deprecation transformed itself into something like self-flattery,

Colours are colours, fuck me green is GREEN, not another shade of grey,

I go to bed at night now looking forward to next day,

I breathe in deep and it feels so good, not to have that knot in my guts,

Nor that feeling of being cling wrapped, people clearly saw me nuts,

I’m truly happy for the first time, in a long time and it feels good,

No more forced smiles, no more hiding, the trees just became the woods,

And I can see the forest clearly but respect the trees just the same,

They’re obstacles to my vision but they’re not the ones to blame,

They’re there to climb and have fun with, some harder to climb than others,

This poem frees my inner child where depression only smothers,

So bring on those trees…..oooh look they’re GREEN? I never appreciated until today,

Just how many more shades of green there are than those fucking shades of GREY!

Danny Todd, 7^th December 2011

Untitled...An excerpt from a suicide note written 2 days after me and my wife split (Thankfully it was unused) She is a special lady always xxxx

“live it up”…that song again,

Each word reminds me of you,

Situations play over in my mind,

So many things I wish you knew,

You brought me nothing but happiness,

I just never knew until today,

I brought you only misery,

Because of this..forced you away,

Every night, the same old thing,

Thinking of you as I lay in bed,

Expressions felt so many ways,

Because of fear, words never said,

Words mounted up, became painful,

But not one made it back to you,

I made you walk away from me,

Away from a love so pure, so true,

If I only I could have been different,

I know I would still be here,

For all eternity I’ll think of you,

No more words now……….only tears