If I do I’m a coward,
If I do I’m brave,
If I do I’ll be showered,
With love or hate,
To the grave.
Danny Todd, February 2011
Monday, 12 December 2011
Thursday, 8 December 2011
Hope...the first song I wrote after dabbling with poetry for years. It was written on one of my better days after a 12 month bout of extreme depression :-)
Dark to light his dark mood lifting,
Wrong becomes right his perceptions shifting,
There are shades of grey, not just black and white,
Carpe Diem, Be gone the night,
A long hard struggle with no easy solution,
He’s got to search within for absolution.
The light at the end of the tunnel, grows closer with each day,
But you’ve gotta reach out to grasp it, don’t let it fade away,
There are friends out there who really care and you know exactly who I mean,
The ones you shun, replaced by a gun or your prescription sertraline.
Dawn rises and he’s another step nearer,
Can’t stop trying he knows that the fear of,
Failure in another life, cost him his house, his kids, his wife,
He’s got to build on what life’s thrown at him,
He’s not afraid of dying but so afraid to give in.
The light at the end of the tunnel, grows closer with each day,
But you’ve gotta reach out to grasp it, don’t let it fade away,
There are friends out there who really care and you know exactly who I mean,
The ones you shun, replaced by a gun or your prescription sertraline.
Another month later things getting better,
Maybe time to sit down and write them a letter,
But as the pen meets paper the tears start flowing,
Remembers the last time when he knew he was going,
To end it all, his only goal, his death snatched cruelly by the toilet bowl.
The light at the end of the tunnel, grows closer with each day,
But you’ve gotta reach out to grasp it, don’t let it fade away,
There are friends out there who really care and you know exactly who I mean,
The ones you shun, replaced by a gun or your prescription sertraline.
Not as strong as he thought but he knows he’ll retain it,
That inner resolve, there’s no way to explain it,
His outlook changed upon his life, he still has his kids only lost the wife,
Finally realised he was a pain in her ass and things don’t look better through the bottom of glass.
The light at the end of the tunnel, grows closer with each day,
But you’ve gotta reach out to grasp it, don’t let it fade away,
There are friends out there who really care and you know exactly who I mean,
The ones you shun, replaced by a gun or your prescription sertraline.
(Spoken)
He’ll just have to keep trying, he knows he has to,
Gotta look to himself and at his past to,
Find out when to give in and when to fight,
To realise he wasn’t always right,
Maybe one day he’ll write that letter,
When things get easier, a little better,
But in the meantime he’ll just carry on,
And if all else fails there’s always the Gun.
Well that's a bit of a bugger..maybe I'm not quite as well as I thought? Certainly much stronger but still that old paranoid self flagellation gets me! I've not got a title for this poem but after the self flagellation reference I think that I shall refer to it as my Opus Dei :-) Untitled or not it's helped me formulate my thoughts into some semblance of rationality. Insomnia positively used! That's a plus to take out of my nights experience. She may even be proud of me.
Not good enough, not good enough, not good enough, not good enough,
The train of thoughts running through my mind,
Not worthy, not worthy, not worthy, not worthy,
A part of me I thought I’d left behind.
She doesn’t want you, want you, want you, want you,
The train goes on, teeth start to grind,
She didn’t call you, call you, call you, call you,
A heart thrown back that she’s declined,
She doesn’t need you, need you, need you, need you,
How could I have been so fucking blind?
But do you believe it, believe it, believe it, believe it?
Enough to just throw away what you’ve enshrined?
No, I’m going to fight it, fight it, fight it, fight it,
To the past these thoughts will be confined.
They Say.....A poem dedicated to a girl I knew who taught me far more than I care to know about selfish, self centred behaviour. The juxtaposition being that she was one of the warmest, loving, most considerate people I have ever encountered too. I know that deep down inside this girl was the latter but the protective barrier that she erected portrayed her as the former….whichever she was doesn’t matter now because I almost loved her but I couldn’t allow myself to be hurt by her. So either way I lost? How was that fair?
They say
Better to have loved and lost,
Than have never loved at all,
Better to have tried and lost,
Than never dare kick the ball,
One day as a hero,
Beats a lifetime of not caring,
Selfish, rudeness, ignorance
Traits put in their place by sharing,
Treat others as you would yourself,
It leads to happiness and health.
Well “They” I’ve got some fucking bad news for you..it’s complete and utter bollocks. I’ve lived my life believing that the good guy will win in the end but it’s just not true. I’m changing fucking sides to see how everyone else thinks!!
I say
Best to never love at all,
It only leads to pain,
Why try? Then lose? I don’t see the point,
It’s just work without the gain,
Why try to be a hero?
You only end up dead,
As for caring selflessness?
I’ll take ignorance instead,
Treat everyone as they do me,
On life my new philosophy.
Panic Attack.....Sorry but I've had to repost this poem. I can't edit the other one and it won't accept comments either?
This is for any sufferers out there to let you know that I understand what you're going through, It is also for people who've never had a panic attack in their lives. You are lucky! but if you feel anything after reading this poem then all you have to do is multiply that feeling 1000 fold and you still won't have a clue how bad they are but you may have a little more insight and understanding...I hope so, anyway here goes :
Panic Attack
It starts with confusion, gives way to panic,
Breathless disorder, then full on manic,
No escape, of that no doubt,
Hits like a sledgehammer,
He needs to get out, in the open, anywhere, just away from here,
Give him a chance to confront his fears.
Blank faces, staring, are they looking at him?
Do they even notice the tempest within?
His mind, so confusing, the sheer desperation, fights to hold onto controlled respiration.
Thoughts bombarding, no time to make sense, mind overloading,
Life seen through a lens, distorted vision, concave now convex,
Animal instincts, his muscles flex,
Fight, flight, whatever it takes, no rational thought in decisions he makes,
Strangled cacophony, voices mingle, jack hammer thunderous, body tingles,
With shocking power, careful not to touch the souls he sees, that he wants so much..............To be like.
Danny Todd, 8th October 2011
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
Transformation. That felt good to write :-)
I’m not sure how to say this? And I don’t know how or why,
But something’s happened inside me, so I thought I’d have a try,
At explaining the feelings inside me, the ones that make me happy
The ones that make me laugh and smile, not like that other Chappie,
That I once was (not long ago), he’s gone but not forgot,
Tried to take my life away, He very nearly got the lot!
But tough shit he failed, I had that fight and won,
But for all of my happy feelings, I’m still not quite sure what I’ve become?
I’m all positives, no negatives so I’m definitely not a battery,
My self-deprecation transformed itself into something like self-flattery,
Colours are colours, fuck me green is GREEN, not another shade of grey,
I go to bed at night now looking forward to next day,
I breathe in deep and it feels so good, not to have that knot in my guts,
Nor that feeling of being cling wrapped, people clearly saw me nuts,
I’m truly happy for the first time, in a long time and it feels good,
No more forced smiles, no more hiding, the trees just became the woods,
And I can see the forest clearly but respect the trees just the same,
They’re obstacles to my vision but they’re not the ones to blame,
They’re there to climb and have fun with, some harder to climb than others,
This poem frees my inner child where depression only smothers,
So bring on those trees…..oooh look they’re GREEN? I never appreciated until today,
Just how many more shades of green there are than those fucking shades of GREY!
Danny Todd, 7th December 2011
Tuesday, 6 December 2011
Untitled...An excerpt from a suicide note written 2 days after me and my wife split (Thankfully it was unused) She is a special lady always xxxx
“live it up”…that song again,
Each word reminds me of you,
Situations play over in my mind,
So many things I wish you knew,
You brought me nothing but happiness,
I just never knew until today,
I brought you only misery,
Because of this..forced you away,
Every night, the same old thing,
Thinking of you as I lay in bed,
Expressions felt so many ways,
Because of fear, words never said,
Words mounted up, became painful,
But not one made it back to you,
I made you walk away from me,
Away from a love so pure, so true,
If I only I could have been different,
I know I would still be here,
For all eternity I’ll think of you,
No more words now……….only tears
Cliche......Another song I wrote, I'm learning to play the guitar just so that I can perform this :-)
It was the best of times, the worst of times as the clock struck it’s thirteenth peal,
Death or glory another story? No fiction here it’s real,
Another day, another dollar or so they make believe,
I want glory nor death just another breath to give me time to grieve,
For all the forgotten ones even the ill gotten ones,
Whose gains were the final straw,
Broke the camels back, pushed them over the edge,
They lost when they fought the law.
Not totally blameless, but couldn’t care less,
Mistakes I’ve made, the things I’ve done
If I dwell on them I’ll end up hairless,
Looking down the barrel of a gun,
Sometimes you need to take the train in vain, that bridge too far,
The road to nowhere with no gain, to find out who you are.
It’s dog eat dog, only the rich survive, It’s time that the tale were told,
Get out of the rat race before it’s too late, don’t take the child and make him old,
Too much too young is how it is, the gain with nothing ventured,
If they haven’t got the latest phone they think they are the downtrod,
Too much pressure in trying to live the life of David Watts,
We all wish we could be like him, time to admit we’re not,
What you give is what you get we were taught Nil sin Labore,
But learn to take it as it comes, to money be no whore.
Not totally blameless, but couldn’t care less,
Mistakes I’ve made, the things I’ve done
If I dwell on them I’ll end up hairless,
Looking down the barrel of a gun,
Sometimes you need to take the train in vain, that bridge too far,
The road to nowhere with no gain, to find out who you are.
Patience is a virtue but now it’s absinthe makes your heart grow fonder,
Clichés not meant to hurt you, but in the end you’ll always wonder,
What if you’d been different? Could things have turned out for the better?
A lifetime in suburbia, no fear again that you’ll upset her,
Striving for perfection, the 2.4, the house, the wife,
Then comes introspection, you’ve been chasing rainbows all your life,
You take your chances when you can, you banked on red it came in black,
Stop self deprecating, it’s time you cut yourself some slack.
Not totally blameless, but couldn’t care less,
Mistakes You’ve made, the things You’ve done
If you dwell on them you’ll end up hairless,
Looking down the barrel of a gun,
Sometimes you need to take the train in vain, that bridge too far,
The road to nowhere with no gain, to find out who you are.
Time....A cheerful little ditty (happy birthday for tomorrow) Written the day I took my overdose at the stroke of midnight on my 40th birthday.
Too much time to dwell,
To think, to shrink,
Not enough to make amends,
Or sort things out,
To link
Time running too fast,
Time running too slow,
Time running out,
Time to go
Doesn’t work………my head,
Doesn’t work………my life,
(father, children)______(wife),
Ill?.................Maybe,
Strong?........How?
Brain…………Rabid,
Death…………now,
Time running too slow,
Time running too fast,
Time running out,
Time at last
Haiku....a couple of Haiku written while in pretentious mode :-)
Japanese haiku
Seventeen syllables count
For what in the end?
________________________
As mood sinks lower
Death becomes reality
Hope springs eternal.
Panic Attack....If you've never had one you're lucky. If you have had one then I'm pretty sure that you'll identify with this!! sorry if it evokes bad memories.
It starts with confusion, gives way to panic,
Breathless disorder, then full on manic,
No escape, of that no doubt,
Hits like a sledgehammer,
He needs to get out, in the open, anywhere, just away from here,
Give him a chance to confront his fears.
Blank faces, staring, are they looking at him?
Do they even notice the tempest within?
His mind, so confusing, the sheer desperation, fights to hold onto controlled respiration.
Thoughts bombarding, no time to make sense, mind overloading,
Life seen through a lens, distorted vision, concave now convex,
Animal instincts, his muscles flex,
Fight, flight, whatever it takes, no rational thought in decisions he makes,
Strangled cacophony, voices mingle, jack hammer thunderous, body tingles,
With shocking power, careful not to touch the souls he sees, that he wants so much,
To be like.
Danny Todd, 8th October 2011
Legacy....just a swipe at British culture because I could :-)
Silicone attitude to match her implants,
Pound to a penny that girl ain’t pleasant
False inside and out, hey guys look at me,
Stardom born of reality tv,
Xmas number 1, the fortune, the fame,
A nice pair of tits compensate for no brain,
Same old story, she’ll hook up with some actor,
That girl’s got no talent
But she’s sure got Ex factor.
A classy role model for our kids to follow,
How did she get there I wonder,
When down on her knees did she spit? Did she swallow?
That Britain’s got talent down under.
Not a sign of the Times, more front page of the sun,
Speculative reporting on the blokes she’s done,
A friend of a friend or unidentified source,
A kiss and tell story on her intercourse,
Nonsense press stories, another quick buck,
For some callous ex boyfriend who don’t give a fuck,
About her feelings, the shame, all the hurt he’ll inflict,
But he’s getting well paid,
So he don’t give a shit.
He’s another role model for our kids idolisation
How did he get there you voice,
A broken trust that was read by the nation,
Of his girlfriend’s oral exploits.
And so to the courtroom, she’s going to fight him,
So the cycle continues … ad infinitum,
Lawyers get richer from the courtroom proceedings,
The gutter press loaded from our daily readings,
Are we really that eager to follow this story,
Of some dizzy young girl exposed in her glory,
Well are we I say? Someone please give an answer,
Because I think we’re insane,
To put up with this cancer.
We create these role models for our next generation,
We’ve only ourselves to blame,
A wave of insanity sweeping the nation,
Britain’s talent for ill gotten gain.
Coffee Goddess/ Black Dog.....basically a monologue that took years to write!!! It is dedicated to my friend, confidante and personal coffee goddess Eileen Wood. Without her unfailing support I would not be alive today, she is the most beautiful human being that I have ever met and will be undoubtedly cringeing if/when she reads this blog. thank you so so much CG for what you have done and are still doing for me xx
Her red hair gleaming,
Her blue eyes gleaning,
He couldn’t hide behind his mask today,
She could see right through him,
Although she hardly knew him,
She asked “hey mister, are you ok”?
“I’m fine” he lied,
But why he tried is beyond him to this day,
Once caught in her web his fears started to ebb,
The coffee goddess would have her way,
“A black dog” she said,
“A black dog?” I said
“A black dog” she said “it’s darker than dark”
“A black dog”? I said
“A black dog” she said “its bite is far worse than its bark”
A phone call a day later,
Summoned to her percolator,
His mate disappeared out for the day,
Wondered why he was there,
Then he encountered her stare,
She said “hey mister, you’re not really ok”
“I’m fine” he lied,
But why he tried is beyond him to this day,
Once caught in her web his fears started to ebb,
The coffee goddess would have her way,
“A black dog” she said,
“A black dog?” I said
“A black dog” she said “it’s darker than dark”
“A black dog”? I said
“A black dog” she said “its bite is far worse than its bark”
They talked of his fears,
She absorbing his tears,
They talked the hours away,
He started to grieve,
And then to believe,
She asked “hey mister, are you ok”?
“I’m fine” he lied,
But why he tried is beyond him to this day,
Once caught in her web his fears started to ebb,
The coffee goddess would have her way,
“A black dog” she said,
“A black dog?” I said
“A black dog” she said “it’s darker than dark”
“A black dog”? I said
“A black dog” she said “its bite is far worse than its bark”
He still didn’t quite get it,
A black dog? Should he pet it?
Or feed it? She said “No way”
He was lost in a dark place,
Looking into his pale face,
She asked “hey mister, are you ok”?
“I’m fine” he lied,
But why he tried is beyond him to this day,
Once caught in her web his fears started to ebb,
The coffee goddess would have her way,
“A black dog” she said,
“A black dog”? I said
“A black dog” she said “it’s darker than dark”
“A black dog”? I said
“A black dog” she said “its bite is far worse than its bark”
Tears turned to laughter,
He wasn’t sure who was dafter,
As they chuckled his dark moods away,
She mocked the afflicted,
Of her coffee addicted,
She asked “hey mister, are you sure you’re ok”?
“I’m fine” he lied,
But why he tried is beyond him to this day,
Once caught in her web his fears started to ebb,
The coffee goddess would have her way,
“A black dog” she said,
“A black dog”? I said
“A black dog” she said “it’s darker than dark”
“A black dog”? I said
“A black dog” she said “its bite is far worse than its bark”
The more that they spoke,
The less he would choke,
And where there’s a will there’s a way,
He grew more confident,
And his new confidante,
Said “Hey Danny you’ll be ok”
“I will” he cried,
But why he lied is beyond him to this day,
Once caught in her web his fears started to ebb,
The coffee goddess would have her way,
“A black dog” she said,
“A black dog”? I said
“A black dog” she said “it’s darker than dark”
“A black dog”? I said
“A black dog” she said “its bite is far worse than its bark”
They became somewhat estranged,
And he fairly deranged,
Truth be told he still is, in his way,
But she’s ever stoic,
He thinks her heroic,
She still believes he’ll be ok
“A black dog” she said,
“A black dog”? I said
“A black dog” she said “it’s darker than dark”
“A black dog”? I said
“A black dog” she said “its bite is far worse than its bark”
He’s still caught in her web,
And his fears they still ebb,
As she shoos the black dog away,
It still returns for a fight,
But there’s no chance it will bite,
And they say every dog has it’s day?
Well I’m sorry old rover,
But you’d better roll over,
I think someone is wanting to play,
He was off in a blur,
That damned awful cur,
Cos the coffee goddess had had her way.
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